Absolute Auction advertisement for an estate sale in Kennesaw, Georgia. Items listed include jewelry, Victorian toys, primitve tools, occupied Japan figurines, and gold thimbles. He prefers flea markets; the auctioneers can never see his little paw when he tries to bid on something.

7/22/97
A free sample subscription to Atlanta Magazine, featuring all of the "fun and excitement of living in the South’s most prominent, progressive, and prosperous city." Pissing on dogwood trees, there’s a little slice of excitement for ya. He decided to order the sample issue, and subsequently received an invoice and a thank-you note, hoping that he would be pleased with the rich combination of in-depth reporting and enjoyable reading, together with the lively graphic treatment.

A personalized mailing from Bob Vila, asking "Are your drafty windows costing you more than it would to replace them with new ones?" Yes, our little dog could have "beauty, comfort, and peace of mind" with new Sears Premium Custom Fit Windows, for as little as $91 per month (based on a $5,000 installation). I had to keep Tucker from phoning them up, because there’s nothing he likes more than a FREE In-home consultation.

A nifty fold-out flyer from Mercer University here in Atlanta telling Tucker that no matter what his goals, he "CAN get there from here." Choices for his continuing education include the school of Business and Economics, Education, Theology (my choice for him), Engineering, Pharmacy, and English Language, which helps non-native English speakers improve language skills while they pursue their education (probably the better choice for a little dog that TRIES to simulate human speech patterns, but just can't seem to make it).

A bulky package from Reader’s Digest imploring "Would You Say YES To Two New Cars?" This includes two metal car keys sticky-glued to a form letter and suggesting that if Tucker participates in a skill-contest (to be mailed later) he could win a Honda Civic, a Geo Prizm, or an elegant burgundy watch. Also included is the usual promise of winning $ 5,000,000 if he orders their Who’s Who in the Bible Dictionary, in a letter which states "This official notification is to inform you that as a resident of GEORGIA having satisfied stringent selection criteria..." Apparently the criteria is that you must be a mammal.

7/24/97
Credit card offer: First USA Platinum Card with no annual fee, a credit line up to $100,000, an APR of 5.9%, and no charge for extra cards. That's what he needs.

"In the market for a sport-utility vehicle?" asks the Consumer Reports letter addressed to our little dog. "How to save $1480 on your auto insurance premium" is another blurb meant to catch his eye. They’re offering him not only a sample issue, but the 1998 Buying Guide and the How To Clean Practically Anything books FREE (he has particular trouble getting tea stains out of blouses).

August 1997

8/18/97
Upon returning the sample issue order form for Consumer Reports, Tucker receives a bill for $20.00 for 10 issues (or $39.00 for 24) along with an order form for the Consumer Reports family of publications and services such as the Home Office Guide, the Travel Letter, and the guide to Baby Products (he loves mashed carrots).

8/20/97
An ominous non-marked envelope arrives with "Personal and Confidential" in the corner. Inside is a red flyer screaming "Are High Credit Card Bills EATING YOU ALIVE?" Having been worried only about fleas and mosquitoes eating him alive, this upset Tucker greatly; he didn't realize his financial shape was quite that bad. Anyway, the form letter is from Home Loan and Investment Bank ("A Federal Savings Bank") and offers Tucker the opportunity to get a good loan ("up to $500,000!") at their low bank interest rates, consolidating his debts so he can afford needed vacations or home improvements. If he decides to sign up, he gets a FREE credit application, a FREE credit evaluation, and a FREE Sears gift certificate ("**Sears is not a sponsor or co-sponsor of this event").

September 1997

Tucker MUST be a homeowner now, because he also received a letter from Circle Mortgage Corporation in Atlanta, GA, saying that debt is at an all-time high, and consumers are being choked by excessive monthly payments. They claim to be able to lend him up to 125% of the value of his primary residence, which, if you assume his doghouse cost $50, would be about $62. He could buy alot of dried pig's ears for that.

9/26/97
An invoice from Consumer Reports, thanking Tucker for his subscription and offering him the amazing money-saving opportunity to extend it and save 37% off the regular renewal rate! Wow! For a consumer advocacy publication, they sure don't care a whit about the number of trees they kill.

9/29/97
Today Tucker received a videotape from Mr. And Mrs. Jeffrey A. Wren ("...as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" says their mailing label) claiming to describe the ESSENTIAL secret to better health: liquid organic ionic materials (the way Mother Nature intended for Tucker to get his minerals), which I'm sure these people will be happy to provide for a small cost. "Every disease is the result of a mineral deficiency" according to Dr. Linus Pauling, allegedly a Nobel Prize Winner in medicine. Unfortunately for the Wrens, Tucker already gets his minerals from water (why, that's all he drinks), and I don't allow him near the VCR anymore since he recorded over my X-Files season finale with 6 hours of Wishbone.

He also received another homeowner financing loan, this one for $35,000 from Concorde Acceptance. They say he can be approved in 24 hours (that's 168 dog-hours).

October 1997

Oh goodie, ANOTHER mailing from Consumer Reports. This time they want Tucker to buy their "How To Plan For A Secure Retirement" book. Tucker showed some interest in the chapter on taking care of you and your heirs, but I had to explain to him that they meant offspring, not HAIRS, and then I had to remind him that offspring are something that he won't have to worry about, because he has no testicles.

10/18/97
A tan invitation card tells Tucker that "as a Rhodes 24 Carat Club Member," he is cordially invited to attend a very private sale at Rhodes Furniture where Hors d'oeuvres will be served and a free six-pack of Coca-Cola will be given away to each member (he likes fizzy pop, especially when I spill it on the floor). He can also register to win a Free Harley-Davidson Motorcycle, which will be good, because Tucker likes having the wind in his face.

10/22/97
Another mailing from Telco Choice tells us that Tucker has made his wishes known, and that he wants long distance that's simple, reliable, and inexpensive, with low flat rates to 36 premium countries. The only thing Tucker has made his wishes known about is that he really really really hates being left outside.

10/31/97
"Where are you? Out of time? Looking for convenience?" So reads the mailer from Wachovia Bank, trying to lure a small dog into its new Access Now Checking Account, which is basically a new way they've created to charge you for using human tellers. Which is fine, because whenever he tries to withdraw money they just slap his nose.

November 1997

A large flyer from CompUSA arrives for our little dog informing him of the grand opening of their new store, where he can get great deals on scanners, software, computers, etc. They also offer free internet classes on Saturdays, which intrigues him; he likes chat rooms, but finds it hard to keep up because his typing skills are a bit, uh, undeveloped.

11/12/97
He's outdone himself this time. Somehow he's managed to get a copy of the Fred Stoker and Sons Cigar Catalogue, featuring "Fine Tobaccos, Cigars and Gifts". I'll never forget that time we found the half-smoked box of cubans partially buried in the back yard. Tucker swore that he would never break trade regulations with a Communist country, but I have my doubts.

I knew it would eventually get around to this. BMG. Although it is admittedly better than the horrendous bane of gen-xers everywhere, Columbia House, I still had to sigh when Tucker started making out his list of CDs to order: Snoop Doggy Dog, Three Dog Knight, Tha Dogg Pound, and of course, Skinny Puppy. I actually think he was more excited about licking the little stamps than anything else.

11/18/97
And I was just thinking that what my dog needed was to get the exact same credit card offer that I had received the day before: 5.9%, No annual fee, credit line up to $100,000, and a free John Coltrane CD. Yes, it's the First USA Real Jazz Platinum VISA, which is, apparently, the "hippest card around." What's that sound? Could that possibly be thousands of jazz musicians spinning in their graves?

December 1997

An official-looking letter arrives from Tony Knowles, the Governor of Alaska, asking Tucker to fill out the enclosed survey so he can get a full-color brochure about vacations and sight-seeing. Tucker's always wanted to see a fjord, but that whole 6 months of light, 6 months of dark thing bothers him. It might screw up his sleep patterns.

A mailing comes inviting our dog to try out www.oncart.com, an online grocery shopping service associated with Kroger. If he tries it by the end of the year he gets free cookies and milk! The cookies pictured are chocolate chip, though, and doggies can't eat chocolate.

12/15/97
Another mailing from Keller Graduate School implores Tucker to sign up for classes because someone with a master's degree makes 24% higher than someone with a bachelor's. Tucker feels that he has enough schoolin', thank you very much.

On the same day, he receives a subscription offer from Newsweek at the Special Professional Courtesy Rate. We sometimes refer to him as the "newshound", he so likes to stay up on current events.

Information about the Delta Airlines Escape Plan comes directly addressed to Tucker, offering him substantial savings on plane tickets to exotic destinations like Tampa and Phoenix if he becomes a member (for $89). Flying doesn't really bother him, but he gets pissed off when they won't give him extra peanuts.

January 1998

Yet ANOTHER Consumer Reports mailing arrives, trying to sell him the Travel Letter. He's supposed to return the little sticker, either "YES! I want to save thousands on airfares, hotels and car rentals," or "NO! I don't like to travel." They didn't put one in there that said "YES! I like to jump in the truck and ride with Daddy to pick up Chinese Food, capering in the seat, then running back into the house and bragging to the other pets that I went out and they didn't because I'm a little elfish pixie dog."

1/6/98
A large envelope calling itself the Mayo Clinic Health Letter and featuring a statuesque picture of "The Doctors Mayo" has arrived, offering my dog a free copy of this wonderfully informative magazine. Tips listed which Tucker found to be pretty simplistic include "prevent dry skin 5 easy ways" (keep moist with saliva), "3 home remedies that can clear up a case of diarrhea" (eat lots of grass), and "How to decode a restaurant menu: RED-FLAG words that signal high-fat content" (BACON, BACON, and BACON).

1/12/98
Another one of those pseudo-checks, this one from Samboy Financial, Inc that Tucker can't cash anyway, wanting him to mortgage more than the full value of his home.

1/19/98
MBNA Platinum Plus has offered him an official Computer Professionals Mastercard, which I find silly because he has an awfully hard time with the mouse (again, it's that whole opposable thumb thing).

Also, another Preferred Credit Corp postcard, urging him to not panic. He didn't panic the last time they sent him their stupid mail, why would he start now?

February 1998

Also, a handy renewal notice from Consumer Reports.

2/4/98
ALASKA! says the huge magazine-size brochure with the picture of the happy moose drinking water. They apparently have lots of water in Alaska, which is a big draw for a little dog, because water is a good thing. Except that a lot of the H20 up there is frozen, which Pekoe (our big dog) wouldn't mind because ice is her favorite thing. She thinks the ice dispenser on the new refrigerator was made specifically for her brain-freezy needs.

More dead trees from Consumer Reports. Tucker can get the 3 Special Reports: Fitness, Medication, and Nutrition, if he simply requests the trial issue of Consumer Reports On Health! Tips on exercising more and reducing the meat in your diet. Uhhhhh... NO, says Tucker.

2/9/98
"Call Someone You Know" says the huge flyer from Sears Home Central. They offer a free consultation on Vinyl Siding or Custom Fit Windows. Tucker doesn't really understand what vinyl siding is, though, as opposed to aluminum siding or just plain wood. I'm relieved, since vinyl siding probably tastes pretty good to dogs who eat anything made out of plastic.

"Dear Sir, I would like to extend an invitation for you to join me at a private reception I will soon be hosting for true gentlemen in Atlanta. It's a fun, interesting event we call The Journey Of Taste. The evening is highlighted by a presentation I will be giving on one of the world's most civilized drinks, Johnnie Walker Scotch Whisky. It also includes complimentary cocktails, hors d'oeuvres and a light supper." Let me just say that Tucker loves hors d'oeuvres, especially those little pigs-in-a-blanket thingies.

2/27/98
Preferred Credit Corporation sends a flyer with pictures of stomping baby feet, urging Tucker to "Take the proper first steps towards consolidating your debt!" I'm sure Tucker understands quite well the need to avoid childrens' feet.

March 1998

3/23/98
Woof. Another Telco Choice letter, proclaiming that "Time Is...Money." No, says Tucker, "Time Is...unbearable when cHris and Jackie are at work and not at home playing with me."

3/25/98
Preferred Credit Corporation AGAIN. More baby feet. Double woof.

3/26/98
Tucker can now get an AstralEdge VISA Card, with his own personalized astrological sign on it...I'm not making this up people. 4.9% temporary APR, no annual fee, and a free horoscope with each statement. "Your moon is in Aquarius. Today the sun will bear down on you. Drink lots of liquids. Chase squirrels. Don't be so reticent at the food bowl. Oh, and pay only your minimum payment this month." Absurd.

3/30/98
Our weekly dead tree shipment from Consumer Reports arrives, containing the CU 1998 Ballot for the Board of Directors and Subscriber Questionnaire. Of course, in a whiny note they ask for a donation to help cover the cost of mailing it to the 4,000,000 subscribers. Tucker thinks that maybe they should ONLY mail it out, and nix all the other crap he endlessly gets from them. He refused to send it in because he feels that since it doesn't ask about dog toys and Wishbone videos, it doesn't properly cover his demographic.

April 1998

4/16/98
A credit card offer from MNBA. This one is a Platinum Plus card, with a credit line of $100,000. Let that sink in. Knowing the ease with which credit card companies actually sling out these plastic pieces of the American Dream, it would conceivably be simple for Tucker to actually get one. He just needs to come up with a valid social security number. He's got connections. There's a Basset Hound down the street that may be able to hook him up.

Another Platinum card, this one from First USA (one of my ex-card companies). I never had a platinum card through them. Tucker wants to max out his card down at PetSmart.

May 1998

6/6/98
Hopefully the last mailing from Consumer Reports who apparently NEVER gives up. This one includes a "personal note" from Joel Gurin, Editorial Director, who must think that dogs can read English. Idiot. I have to READ things TO him.

6/30/98
Shopper's Hotline Elite is glad that Tucker has "decided to make his mark on the marketplace!" They want him to do this by using their "Scan Key" thingy to rate products that he buys. Tucker has other ideas on how to make his mark.

July 1998

8/10/98
Bottom Line Personal has sent him a gift certificate for their magazine. The letter from President Martin Edelston says he wants to get Tucker's "gut reaction" to it. So we're going to let the dogs eat it (they love paper) and let Martin know of their digestive progress.

This is ripe. The First USA Mastercard for Vegetarians is pure marketing hype. It offers nothing that other cards don't offer, and only two things that qualify it as a "vegetarian's" card: pictures of vegetables on it, and a free rice cooker/food steamer (that's large enough to steam, say, a bell pepper). Tucker would be more excited by the MEAT card, but they're unlikely to give out cards with pictures of steaks and chops on them. Hell, he'd settle for the "Old Stuffed Toy" card, or even the "Unidentifiable Thing I Found Half-Buried Out Back" card.

September 1998

The First USA Titanium Card...the third credit card application that OUR DOG has received from the same freakin' company in a month, the second today! No wonder there are so many doggies in debt.

October 1998

10/30/98
Tucker was very excited to receive the Platinum Mastercard of Atlanta offer, a credit card designed for atlanta residents. All of our dogs were jealous, because they all view themselves as true southern gentlemen. They especially like green tomatoes, though not fried. They prefer them right off the vine.

He also received another Fred Stoker Cigar catalog, but he's still sick from the time I caught him smoking out back and made him smoke an entire pack.

December 1998

5/22/01
A picture is worth a thousand words...

February 2002

Tucker is a mutt: a terrier schnauzer short-haired chihuahua, believe it or not. He was part of a bunch of puppies being given away in the newspaper in Alabama where my wife lived at the time. Tucker is quite interested in geneaology and doesn't mind inquiries into his family background.

11/11/98
Hello Tucker, My name is Jami and I thought I'd write you a note and let you know how excited I am to finally get to meet you this Friday. Troy and I are coming to meet you and your parents (owners sounds too impersonal to me, I prefer parents). And we're all going to spend a fun filled weekend of camping! You are also going to get to meet Hagan, my loveable, adoreable, four-legged child, whom I love more than life itself. She's a lot of fun and very sweet. I have great confidence that the two of you will great along just great. Buster will be coming too, of course. And, as I'm sure you know, the fun never ends with Buster around. I'll also be bringing plenty of peanut butter dog biscuits (Hagan's favorite) so I hope you like peanut butter. Can't wait to see you!!! Jami

Tucker likes to keep an eye on his figure, but would never be one to turn down a peanut butter dog biscuit! He's excited about the prospect of meeting you and Hagan, but he's worried that the rain this weekend might postpone our outing!

12/20/98
Hello Tucker. It is great to see that you are getting around on the net. My name is Caicos and I am a German Pinscher currently living in Romania. I miss my old friends in Canada but I have lots of new friends here, although none use the net. I bet you are looking forward to all the loot you will be getting for Christmas, I can already smell my presents. Anyway, must go. Time for my nap. All the best during the holidays, Caicos
P.S. Did you know that dogs in Romania don't say "Ruff, Ruff" or "Arf, Arf"? They say "Ham, Ham" (pronounced like hum, hum). I have carefully listened and it sounds the same to me!

Tucker was very excited to read email from his friend Caicos in Romania. He was especially excited when I showed him a map; he thinks Romania is shaped like a big dog biscuit. He's never met a German Pinscher, but he doesn't think the language barrier would be a problem, as he would like to learn some German. And anyplace where they say "Ham Ham" is fine by him!

1/24/99
Dear Tucker.....
I found your site via the consumer webring, and I thought I was gonna die. I was laughing so hard, I had trouble breathing. Tears were rolling down my face, but I kept asking for trouble. The more I read, the harder I was convulsing with laughter. I thought I was going to have puppies (no insult intended). Incredible. I'm sure if you were here, you'd have licked the tears off my face for me.
In your honor, I have planted a tree in my backyard. You are welcome to come and "inspect" it whenever you wish. I'll even bake some peanut butter cookies for you.
I too have had two "sons" who got onto all those junk mail lists. They have since gone on to greener pastures, but their mail still keeps coming. Too bad recyclers don't pay higher prices for used paper. Take it easy, Tucker.
Your friend, Kenny (Wayne, New Jersey)

Thanks for writing! Tucker was excited when I read him your email. He started capering when he learned of the tree planted just for him. When there are other bigger dogs in the household it's hard for a little dog to find the personal space and solace that a private tree can bring!

5/13/99
Tucker,
It sounds like you've been quite busy opening and reading all the mail you've received. I took your master's idea and started signing up my Little Mollie to receive junk mail, and she now gets some pretty cool stuff, like a scholarship to computer school and membership in the Garden Club of America. Still I don't think Little Mollie will ever catch up with you on the volume of mail received.
Take care,
Bill

Tucker's very relieved that he's not the only pet that gets deluged by mail. The other dogs at our house don't receive any, and Tucker doesn't like having to take the time to go through everything each night. He'd rather be capering around (he gets excited when we come home from work). Also, he's a little jealous, because he'd LOVE to be a member of the Garden Club of America. He's an amateur gardener himself, you know (he has a green dewclaw). Thanks for writing!

5/29/99
Dear Tucker,
I was astonished to see how many exciting offers you've gotten in the mail! As a seasoned reader of Junque Du Post, I thoroughly enjoyed going through your mailbag. Please keep us up to date! Maybe one day you'll get a bag of rawhide chews, or maybe Consumer Reports will do a special "doggie" issue - "Which rugs are best to pee on", "The best-tasting shoes", and "How to steal anything from any child and chew on ituntil it's unrecognizeable.."
I wish you the best, and hope your name never goes on Cat Fancy's mailing list ... I know that would upset you!
Amy

Thanks for your email! Tucker thinks your idea for a special dog-related Consumer Reports would be great, maybe he'll mention it to them if he ever gets around to writing a complaint letter about the junk mail they send. He doesn't mind Cat Fancy too much (we used to have a cat in the house, and sometimes his aloof behavior slipped and they chased each other). What he really dislikes is magazines like Cosmo and Glamour, because they portray a false ideal of physical beauty, and he thinks that people are beautiful on the inside, at least when they let him sit in their lap.
Thanks for writing!

12/10/99
Hey!
My name is Molli and I am a wire fox terrier originally from Norge (Norway)! My owner Kris is from there, and she came to live in America with her father. Sometimes, I still get to go back to see everyone there. What are some good American dog treats? They don't have the kind I like here, and I am being very fussy about choosing a new brand. Do you have any suggestions? The only thing I have found so far that I like is American ol (beer), and I am not allowed to have much of that. I await your suggestion!!
Lady Molsabeth (aka "Molli")

Tucker said to tell you he likes good old-fashioned rawhides, but they have to be shaped properly (long) so that he can easily hold it up and chew on it. He really prefers for someone to hold it for him while he chews, but rarely does he get THAT kind of treatment. And as far as beer goes, he's definitely a SCHLITZ MALT LIQUOR DOG!!! YEAH BABY!!!

10/10/00
Dear Tucker,
I was cleaning my room and found a little yellow post-it note with your email address on it. Your mom was nice enough to give it to me a l-o-n-g time ago but it wasn't until tonight that I visited your lovely web site. What a nice picture of you! I like when you visit us at the Center because you make everyone so happy. You are a very good boy. I hope to see you soon.
Your friend,
Lisa

01/05/02
Dear Tucker,
When I was looking for doggie treats on the web, I found your website. It unbelievable! My name is tucker too. im a wire fox terrier though... but i recieve confusing and exciting mail offers and stuff too! Im curently just a puppy.. i cant remember how old i am....... but anyway im looking for some e-mail puppy pals.. and you sound like a great dog... will u be my puppy pal.. id love to hear more about your life and tips how to train your parent (owner)..... anyway hope to hear from you
Your friend,
Tucker D Winkler

Thanks for writing! Sorry it's taken a while to get back to you...the family's trying to adopt another one of those stinky, tail-pulling babies, and it's hard to get time on the laptop these days. I haven't updated the website in awhile, it seems like most of the people who were sending me junk mail gave up after I didn't buy their silly wares...imagine that. It's hard typing in those credit card numbers anyway. I'm part Terrier, part Chihuahua and part Schnauzer, which makes me terribly rare. I refuse to let it go to my head, though. I believe that you are what you are, at least that's what I always told Cocoa, the chow mix that lived with us for awhile. Between you, me and the water dish, she wasn't a very good listener. Thought she was queen of the mountain, that one did. The single most important bit of knowledge I can give a puppy is one word: laps. Find them, use them, own them. They'll never let you down.

01/05/02
Dear Tucker,
My Tucker you are a handsome mutt. My kinda dog. I am a shirt tail relative of your human father/owner. Finally saw your family internet site. You also have cute owner/kids. Congrats Chris and Jackie!
Chuck and Sarah in Alabama!

Chuck: It was good hearing from you; I used to live in Montgomery, and really liked the smells there. But the humidity always made my doggy hair a bit too frizzy, so I insisted that my family take me somewhere new. Hopefully we'll get back up that way soon!
Tucker

If YOU would like to send Tucker some mail, you can reach him at:

Tucker Bauer
450 Cherokee Ave
Atlanta, GA 30312


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